Sunday, December 14, 2014

Humor Assignment

It was April 14, 2013, the Friday before April vacation. It should have been a day of great joy; the sun was shining, the birds were chirping, all the children were giddy with the anticipation of an entire week of fun and relaxation, and all teachers had decided to forgo lesson plans. But during last period, the day darkened. I was standing in a large group of my friends joking around, when one of our fellow classmates awkwardly squeezed his way into our circle. (For the purposes of this story I shall call him Kevin, because let’s face it, no one has ever met a Kevin they’ve liked.) Kevin stood there awkwardly for a minute or two before he interrupted our conversation to say to me, “Hey can I ask you something after class.” I froze. I wanted to say no, but despite the fact that he was without a doubt more annoying than a mosquito, I didn’t want to hurt his feelings…yet. I stuttered “uh-uh sure” in a tone as discouraging as I could muster. He didn’t seem to pick up on my tonal suggestion and said “okay” then returned to his seat. As some of my less tactful friends started to laugh and work on a couple name for me and Kevin, I desired to sink to the floor and shout a Marlon Brando-esque “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!” I had three options: fight, flight, or grow a pair and just turn him down. Obviously the third option was out, and since I was pretty sure spontaneously assaulting my classmate would have resulted in a suspension, and possibly a straight jacket, that left me one option: flight. So, with two minutes left of class I made my way towards the door, where I waited, feet at the ready, with my hand on the door knob. Upon the bells ringing, I sprinted with everything I had to the girl’s locker room. Now under normal circumstances I’m not one for running, but put a weird boy waiting to ask me out behind me, and I just might beat the school record for the 100 meter dash. From the locker room I called my chauffer —sometimes referred to as my older sister Jessica— to inform her that I would be late. After a sufficient amount of time had passed and I was fairly certain that he had already boarded the school bus, I emerged from the locker room and stealthy made my way to the car, using for the first time in my life those weird mirror things they put up near hallway intersections to check that the coast was clear of undesirable boys waiting to ask me out. Upon arriving home I sank onto my couch and took a deep breath. Crisis averted…or at least so I thought until I pulled out my laptop to check Facebook, and found I had one new message.
Hey sorry I didn't catch you after class, Hmmm I wonder why. I meant to talk to you but I didn't see you, so I guess I'll just ask u here. Honestly I’d be way better off asking u in person but oh well.
Honestly my answer would have been the same either way, and at least online you can’t see the blatant look of horror on my face.
Anyways, would you wanna catch a movie with me or something over vacation?
NO…just no…no…one might even go so far as to say “never.”
We definitely don't talk as much as I wish we did,
We talk much more than I wish we did.
so maybe we can change that?
Yes, hopefully we can.
I decided to do the classy thing and just not respond. I figured Facebook would tell him that I had read his message and chosen not to reply, giving him the hint that I was not interested. Unfortunately for me…and I guess him as well, Kevin was immune to hints the way some people are immune to chicken pox.
The next morning after eating a balanced breakfast, I once again checked my Facebook. One new message. I expected it to be Kevin again and mentally prepared some snarky comments, but I was pleasantly surprised to find that it was not Kevin but a friendly acquaintance of mine from school, Sam. Any pleasant feelings I had however, dissipated when I read the message.
Hey Kevin said you guys are dating is this true?
Have you ever seen Mean Girls? If you haven’t, you should, it’s awesome. If you have, you should know exactly what I mean when I say I reacted much like Regina George did when she found out Cady tricked her into eating nutrition bars that made her gain weight. After I felt I had screamed a sufficient amount, I angrily, and dramatically, typed my response.
“Not in a million years, and you can tell him I said that.”
                Sam relayed my message to Kevin, and proceeded to tell me he thought I had made a wise decision. Moments later I received a response from Kevin, detailing how it was none of Sam’s business and I should have given him a definite answer myself. I decided to keep my reply short, not-so-sweet, and to the point.
“Fine, no.”
Then, Kevin did something that had he been near me at the time would have landed him a swift kick in the balls. After ruining my Friday, tarnishing my reputation, and worst of all, making me run, he had the audacity to give ME advice. He said:
Make sure next time you tell them that before they get their hopes up.
                I wish I could say I asked myself “what would Julie Andrews do?”I wish I could inform you that I had a moment of compassion in a moment of anger. Sadly that was not what I did. Instead I decided to reply:
“Next time, take a hint.”
                That’s the thing about kids I guess, we’re mean.

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